seriously

i am two bad days away from a mental fucking break down.

I feel guilty for doing things I've always done. That I've always said I would do- no matter who thought what about it.

I've always thought it brought me closer to God... but you.. You take me to heights I have never been before.
I've always said it helps me be open... but you... You bring out this side of me that no one- not even myself has ever known.
I've always used the excuse that it makes me creative... but you.. You are the true muse. The true truth.

So this is what it's like to grow up.
This is what it's like to really love and be loved.

...I am in awe of this and you and of myself.






I can't even believe I am about to click "publish post".

It's a hot mess but it's still beautiful

These days, I am still conjuring up conspiracy theories. Example: Some chemical in perfumes and health care products subdue us like the lithium/fluoride that has taint our tap water with and that's why the millions of people in the world aren't standing up for a revolution.

But these days, I have realized I make up conspiracy theories so my hope in humanity isn't completely abolished. So my views of Love are not disturbed. I've also realized my surroundings really do effect my thoughts, my imagination, my spirit.

These days, I am grateful that I have grown as a human being instead of focusing on those things I haven't accepted about myself and others, I focus on how everyone I know is growing and they all have positive attributes.

These days, I know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. And I am striving, reaching for that healthiness instead of getting by on getting by.

These days, I acknowledge myself. I hold myself AND OTHERS accountable. Regardless of how much or how little I care.

These days, I take time for myself even if it classifies me as "selfish" or "heartless".

These days, I've made up my mind that I am tired of being sad. That I deserve to be happy and safe just like every other person in this world deserves it. And that I want to make people I meet smile more than frown.

Although these days, they might be some of my hardest- I am thrilled for what the future holds.

That's why these days are spent moment by moment. Blessing by blessing. Love by love.

And to me, these days are an amazing, under rated gift.






... I want to remember this forever.

wtfhiNd?

Surely there's better ways to waste your time.
But people don't want to be involved with anything positive.
No one but the hungry is ever rubbernecking over charity.

Everything I ever want to say sounds so trivial.
So... played out. So rehearsed. So recycled
Everything I ever want to do- doesn't get done.
Due tomorrow = do tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes.

We really are just fooling ourselves, aren't we? Human Species are the superior race.
Yea, at the Special Olympics of the Galaxy. Heh.

The illusion of love was created by Hollywood. And the illusion of freedom was created by government.So the illusion of happiness, it comes by default. It's our way of brainwashing ourselves.

Surely, there's better ways for me to waste my time but I can't think of any.

What the fuck have I done?
Better yet, what the fuck have I NOT done?

...It's the things you don't do that kill you.

Acoustic

"I know something has kept me here to long and you can't leave me if I'm already gone."

My life as I know it, a dream within a dream within a night terror.
What I lack in motivation and positivity I make up in doubt and regret.

I am no longer a child but you could never tell that to my heart...
This wall around me is crumbling, Gods will is powerful.

... And for the first time in a long time... my prayers are not for myself...

I wish I had the talent to love myself like I secretly love others.
I hope that one day I wont have to be so secret. So closed off to those that deserve to know me.

The real me.

I am creating her day by day. Moment by moment.
And still the 11 year old me is ashamed.
Still my heart is guarded by electric barbed wire.
I keep my inner most wants and thoughts and fears in it, still.

I should ask myself the same questions I ask the man that I consider my father...
"Do you not think you deserve to be happy?"
"Exactly what is it going to take?"

Excuse number 1- Sadness and loneliness just runs through my DNA
Excuse number 2- If God didn't want me this way he wouldn't have created me this way
Excuse number 3- I only want to rely on myself.

... this wall is crumbling and the electric just went out. And I'm pretty sure those are chain cutters on the floor there...

AK©

A very merry unbirthday to you.

Who was it that said, " If it can go wrong- it will."? Cause, I'd like to, you know, thank him for writing my memoirs and all.

I see you there. I know what you're doing. I know that you know that you still have some voodoo hex hold on my heart and you are content with twisting it any way that you deem feasible.

And yet it's still baffling to me that when you need me, I am always here, regardless. No judgments, no avoidance.

But it seems this vent is only a one way tunnel and you are the wind.... Every time I need someone, anytime I need you... all I get is static. [ Am I your fence post? Am I your dealer? Am I even your friend?]

Just realize that I see you there, I know what you're doing. But I can't stop.... even if I wanted to...

Love is a black hole birthing a universe....

Vanilla Diva

I'm selfish in the most literal way possible: I'm addicted to being alone, to myself. I don't want to share my energies. I'm a self-addict.

I am the Egged Man...

All my life I've wondered. All my years I have searched and clawed my way to the surface of that called DNA.

And now that I know that I am IN FACT the best outcome, I feel a little cheated and a lot empty. I feel as though I've gotten the crazy end of everything. And the Addicts' keen sense of self awareness.

"Watch out for those white vehicles...don't trust anyone. You're in grave danger... "
like I don't already know that.

You're all out to fill that void without me... while my void is all out waiting on you to notice that I really am in grave danger. Danger from you. From her... but most of all from myself.

Fate is best served cold, just like my mother as Revenge is plotting and hiding his face like my dad.

I am a virus. coo- coo- achoo.

A brain named Goo

Twenty four hours is excruciating when sanding down the hours.
Lacquering the minutes.
Repeat seven hundred and fifty times to get that right shade of fake wood.
...And you're in the fucking dark.

Forty two hours is nothing when posed with the threat of money and power.
Using your magnifying glass to spy on the hidden riches, you have a Adolf Hitler stink about you.
And coin by coin by coin by coin, you sift like flour. Melodically.

I look up briefly as if to say, "Ha. Joke's on me, foul mooded Deity." I am secretly impressed by his sarcastic silence.

A cloud draws a line in the sky and I alone stand on the Right.
...While those two are busy trying to snort it...

AK©

Journal Entries...

I am a walking, breathing contradiction.
What I need, I give away and what I want doesn't want me back...

I say one thing yet mean another.

I sometimes wonder if there's such a thing as too much honesty with yourself.
...I am always crossing the line.

Certainty is 80% vicodin and 20% THC.- 2/27/10
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The first day of spring here at Sphincter Ranch brought 4inches of snow and 50pounds of family bullshit. ... Thank the heavens for downers. - 3/22/10
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I do NOT need anyone to define who I am. I don't need all that extra. ... We always want what is the worst for us. - 3/28/10
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"We create our own hell"- I'm eating those fucking words now. - 3/2/10
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Why "be good" when being "bad" has more incentives? - 4/12/10
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Addiction is like a hundred year old Oak tree. The roots run deep and there's no getting to the bottom. - 4/22/10
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To me, relationships in romantic nature are over-rated. But the single life? Oh.that's easy. That's like having all the green properties in Monopoly. - 4/30/10
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I just read a quote spoken by some world renown love guru. He said, "There is no happy ending to an unhappy journey."- It stung me like a raging wasp in multiple locations. - 5/15/10
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"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die." - 5/17/10
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Instead of sitting here night after night (wasting away these precious "Do Not Disturb" hours) wishing there was someone I could look at the stars with. I realized tonight that I could have been out there looking at them by myself... I haven't done it yet but the notion is comforting... - 5/31/10